Love Letters on Feminism

By Nina Bodnar

As I write this, I feel it necessary to consider my personal values and how they have shaped my thinking. I have always identified with feminism, even before the term was introduced to me. Being a feminist, to me, has always meant standing up for women and their rights—whether that is cisgender women, queer women, trans people, women of color, white women, old women, young women, or anyone in between. It’s always meant having the freedom to choose, and feeling unashamed for taking control of that right. As I’ve become more educated and aware of different inequalities in the world, I’ve been given new perspectives on feminism, and have been able to determine what I think needs changing. 

In unpacking the roots of my feminist beliefs, I must acknowledge certain people in and around my life, including my mother, myself, other feminists, men, and women as a whole—in the broadest sense of the word. My mother has taught me so many things about being a strong person, but like everyone else, I struggle with my own internal battles. Unpacking these ideas helps me to understand myself and my current place in feminism a little bit better. Of course, you cannot talk about feminism without considering the impact and actions (or lack thereof) of men. The most important thing to me, however, is what women do with all of this information. These ideas may come from my mom, my personal reflections, and my observations of larger communities, but they matter only as much as they help others. 

Dear Mom:

Thank you for quietly guiding me to feminism. You never had to identify yourself as a feminist for me to truly know that you are one.

You have taught me how to be a strong, independent woman—the core pillar of what being a feminist means to me. Thank you for setting an example that I strive to follow: of someone who cares about everyone, who puts in the time to help whoever they can, and who doesn’t put up with anything from anyone. Thank you, also, for letting me form my own beliefs, and providing me an outlet for discussion and development. 

I have always been proud of the work that you do professionally, as well as what you do for your family. You have taught me that independence and choice are necessities for womanhood: choosing if and where to work, choosing where to live, choosing how to live, choosing what to spend your own money on, choosing who to love, and choosing whether or not to have children. 

Now, I understand that this is a struggle every woman has to face. When you called me the other day and I asked you if you were a feminist, you said “maybe.” You said that you have strong feelings about women’s rights because we haven’t always had them. You said that to you, feminism means that women don’t have to rely on men or other people, and that they can be strong and independent on their own. When I asked you why you had said “maybe” and not “yes,” you told me that by taking your husband’s name, you weren’t sure you could consider yourself to be 100 percent feminist—that some women might tell you that, by making that choice, you weren’t supporting feminism. 

Kate Cohen, author of family-, culture-, and politics-based pieces, is one of those people. In her article, “Sorry, but These Choices Aren’t ‘Feminist.’ They’re Sexist,” Cohen discusses her easy decision to keep her name when getting married, noting her father’s assertion of women who change them: “‘And just like that, she disappeared’”(Cohen 1). But you didn’t disappear, not one bit. You have thrived in life regardless of your name. Cohen emphasizes everyday decisions and the dangers of following tradition, but you have taught me that the most important thing in life is your actions. You took your husband’s name, and nothing changed about your character, your values, or your intentions for yourself and others. 

Feminism is not always about the words that we use, or the names that we give ourselves. It’s about our actions as women and how what we do affects other people. What you have done has paved the way for my feminist journey, not because of or in spite of your name, but because of the decisions you’ve made for yourself. Your choices to become a teacher, to fight to have children, and to always support your colleagues, friends, and family have shown me the power of choice in the most important ways. 

Dear Me:

Be brave. 

As I began to grow up and truly see the world around me, in addition to my own little bubble of life, I realized the presence—if not the effects—of internalized behaviors. As a shy people pleaser, it took me years to decide that it was, in fact, my right to take up space. In the introduction to her book, Living A Feminist Life, Sara Ahmed urges readers that feminism is a “self-assignment” and that it is homework—“work on as well as at our homes” (Ahmed 7). It is an ongoing struggle for me to understand that I do belong wherever I am, that I can be loud and speak my mind, and that I don’t have to hide in the corner and minimize myself. This is my self-assignment to be a better woman, a role model for those like me who can’t fathom the idea of inconveniencing someone. I am allowed a spot in the world, and I should take advantage of this while I have it. I don’t have to apologize for every single thing I do all day long, especially because 99 percent of the time, my actions don’t warrant an apology. I am not, in fact, an inconvenience to my friends and family when I ask them a simple question, or ask to spend time with them. That’s what we’re all here for. Do men apologize this much? I doubt it. I consider these things daily because I am working to improve my home—my mind, my body, and my self-perception—in order to help other women do the same. 

I will continue to work on combatting these toxic beliefs, and growing into myself and my ideas. I will take a stance on what I believe in, and consider what I can really do to impact women for the better. 

Dear Feminists: 

Thank you for standing up for women. 

While I am a proud feminist, especially in my equality-centered opinions and in the way I choose to speak for and of women, I have to say that I do struggle with really actively standing for my cause. Most of my contribution happens less dramatically—in discourse with colleagues, friends, and family. So, I cannot say how thankful and proud I am for all of the blood, sweat, and tears that go into making me feel safe and secure in myself and my life; although I will stand with the cause until the end, I have not yet found my place in actively advocating. 

Please remember that I, a young white woman, am not the only person you are fighting for. There are so many people who need our help, each with their own unique identities. In their book, White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How to Do Better, Regina Jackson and Saira Rao emphasize the oppression women of color face. They urge readers to “take men out of the picture completely. What changes about these systems? Absolutely nothing when it comes to race” (Jackson and Rao 52). If feminists ignore the intersectionalities among women, nothing will truly change about this system. Feminists need to stand for all women, not only those they identify with. While I am endlessly

grateful for the work that has been done to build more equality for women, I cannot ignore the double standards and overlooked experiences that some women experience. Women of any color, sexuality, age, ability, socioeconomic status, etc., deserve the same thought and care, especially when it comes to feminism. Feminism needs to be for all women-identifying people—for anyone who relates to the cause in any manner. Feminism needs to improve life for all in many ways, not only a select few. 

Dear Men: 

I would like to start this with the written version of a stone-cold stare: an emotionless face with absolutely no chance of upturned lips and sparkly, happy eyes. 

A polite smile passing through the hallway is not an invitation to flirt. I don’t actually want to talk, I just don’t want to be rude. But is neglecting to smile even rude? Why should I have to smile at everyone who walks by? Why should I have to pretend that my day is going well, freely using my energy to acknowledge people who don’t care for the reason or cannot be kind in return? 

In her article, “#MeToo Isn’t Enough. Now Women Need to get Ugly,” Barbara Kingsolver, award-winning novelist, poet, and essayist, discusses the impact this scenario has on women. She writes, “attracting male attention is a woman’s success. Rejecting it feels rude, like refusing an award. It feels ugly” (Kingsolver). Kingsolver’s words ring true; the sad reality of the dynamics between men and women is an endless echo of what’s perceived to be “owed.” Should my assistant principal have winked at me when he saw me in the hallways, just because we’d built a connection surrounding college applications? Probably not. Would he have done that if I was a man? Almost certainly not. But he had helped me navigate the college search and had written me letters of recommendation, so how could I ask him to stop? These types of struggles are the ones women face every single day. 

I wish I had the courage to tell him his actions were inappropriate, but honestly, should I have had to? Men need to educate themselves on the impacts of their actions and the messages they are sending women. Kingsolver discusses communicating with men, highlighting phrases she teaches her daughters: “Don’t say that to me. Don’t do that to me. I hate it” (Kingsolver). Women don’t owe men anything. Women should not have to feel like they are being rude or off-putting or anything but demanding respect. It would not have been rude of me to point out my assistant principal’s actions, and if I did so, it shouldn’t impact my success at the school nor my success in earning a spot in college. 

If anything, men owe women greater freedom, greater feelings of safety, and greater kindness. After all we do for them—loving them, raising them, and having their babies—women deserve to feel secure in their lives and happiness without fear of men. Learn from each other: from the men who stand up for women’s rights, who respect our right to choose, and who respect our right to say no. Learn from women and however they express their discomfort, no matter how obviously. 

Dear Women: 

Don’t back down. 

Although the experiences I have discussed are my own, the essence of them is womanhood. Consider how these ideas relate to your own life and your own struggles. This is my dedication to you. 

Take advantage of all of the choices that you can. As a woman, you should worry about how your choices will affect you. Don’t let people talk you into things that you don’t want, especially if the only backbone behind them is tradition. Unless, of course, you want this for yourself—in which case you should not feel ashamed, but make the decisions that fulfill your life. Please also consider how your choices affect other women, especially your actions. As women, we need to stand together, free of exclusion and hatred for each other. Accept our common thread and move forward with that to develop a more inclusive world for us all, noticing each and every one of our unique needs. Give one another the same grace and love that you give yourselves. 

Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in, especially if it is something that will benefit us all. Do your best to understand yourself and what is realistic and attainable for you, while keeping in mind that future generations depend on your influence. Reflect on your past, on your present, and what you want for your future. Learn about your own toxic, internalized behaviors, and shift them into healthy reminders of what you really deserve. 

Do not let men change you, or make you feel less than, or let you believe that you owe anyone anything. Men should not control you. Men should not demand anything from you. Men should not make you feel uncomfortable. Do not feel bad for asserting yourself and protecting your peace. Remember that you are valued, you are loved, and you are worthy. You are women.

Works Cited 

Ahmed, Sara. “Introduction: Bringing Feminist Theory Home.” Living a Feminist Life. Duke University Press, 2017. 

Cohen, Kate. “Sorry, but These Choices Aren’t ‘Feminist.’ They’re Sexist.” Washington Post, 17 Aug. 2022, https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/08/17/lopez-affleck-name-change-feminist-sexist-choice/ 

Jackson, Regina and Saira Rao. “You See Oppression through a Gender Lens. You Erase Your White Power. You are Colorblind. You are White Feminists.” White Women: Everything You Already Know about Your Own Racism and How to do Better, Penguin Books, 2022, 43-61. 

Kingsolver, Barbara. “#MeToo Isn’t Enough. Now Women Need to Get Ugly.” The Guardian, 16 Jan. 2018.

Nina Bodnar is a member of the class of 2028 pursuing majors in English Literary Studies and Creative Writing, as well as minors in Professional & Public Writing and Dance. Nina has been passionate about reading, writing, and dancing for as long as she can remember, and she is ecstatic for the opportunity to share this with others. Lately, Nina's writing has been focused on making the most of every fleeting second with the people and things that she loves the most.